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Speaking of abuse… have you seen those energy drinks that are out there. This may not always hold true but it seems to me that these often are marketed to promote the potential abuse of caffeine. Caffeine isn’t that bad, you may say. It isn’t like a narcotic. But I wonder if we abuse something less addictive like caffeine doesn’t set in motion the idea that I can handle this so I can handle other perhaps even more damaging things.

Have you seen them? Five hour energy drinks. Twice as much caffeine as a cup of coffee. I guess the root of these goes back to Jolt. Anyone remember that? Of course these drinks are marketed with the express intent to give the consumer an instant fix. Have you seen them? What are some of them? Red bull. Amp. There’s one get amped up. Then there is Full Throttle. What a name! Full throttle.

Obviously these are geared toward a younger crowd. Full Throttle. I’m getting old. I admit it. I’m forty-one. I don’t need to go full throttle, OK? The last thing that I need is a drink that makes me go full throttle. I’m not sure that I even have a full throttle in me. Somewhere along the line, God must have installed a governor in me because I don’t go full throttle. And the last thing that I need is this instant jolt of sugar and caffeine. If anything, it would make me go full throttle for the bathroom. In fact, I was thinking about suing this company for misrepresentation because if anything it should be called Crash & Burn. That’s what will happen if I drink it. I’ll probably go into overload and just stare at the wall.

I probably would have loved it at 18. Except at 18, I didn’t need that much energy because I already had plenty. Do you know what I used to eat for breakfast? Two chocolate poptarts and a can of Pepsi. For two hours, I was flying and then… the bottom falls out. I remember asking the doctor about the shakes that I would get mid-morning and bottoming out. When I told him what I ate, he just looked at me with this classic, “Are you stupid?” look. Duuuhhh. “Uuhhh,” he said, “don’t eat that kind of breakfast.”

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