Sermon Illustrations


We do not have a happy report to give. We have not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect. Thank you for your suggestions. We have followed up on each one with interviews or by calling at least three references. The following is our confidential report.

ADAM: Racial ancestry could not be confirmed. Good man but has problems with his wife. One reference told us how he and his wife enjoyed walking nude in the woods, until God finally made them put clothes back on.

NOAH: Had Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects. Great animal lover, but the last neighborhood received a flood of complaints right as he was leaving town.

JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream interpreting and has a prison record over accusations of a rape of his bosses wife. Good with budgets and managing resources, however.

MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator; even stutters at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge. Often claims to get direct quotes from God. Too much over the top for most folks. History says he was a basket case from the beginning.

DEBORAH: One word --- Female.

DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife. Besides, he can’t control his own household... so how could we respect him.

SOLOMON: Great preacher, but he too, has had serious women problems. Independantly wealthy, so the church could pay him less and he can make up the difference.

ELIJAH: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure. Besides, no one has seen him in a long time. Doesn’t blend well with other religious leads, either.

HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.

JONAH: Told us he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish later spit him out on the shore near here three days later. We hung up.

AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished. With some seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a hang-up against wealthy people.

JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but doesn’t dress like one. May be too Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets excited. You know we limit to one hand. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, even said to have cursed on occasions. He’s a loose cannon.

PAUL: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. However, he’s short on tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach all night. Very offensive to women when he starts his "submission" stuff. And besides, he has a rap sheet a mile long in numerous cities.

TIMOTHY: Too young and inexperienced.

JESUS: Has had popular times occasionally, but once when his church grew overnight to 5000, he managed to offend them all with too hard a message; eventually his church dwindled down to...

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