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"To make it possible for everyone to attend worship next Sunday, we are having a special "No Excuses" Sunday:

• "Beds will be placed in the aisles for all those who say, "Sunday is the only day I’m able to sleep in late."

• "Eye drops will be provided for all those who watch TV too late on Saturday night.

• "Steel helmets will be handed out to all those who say, "The roof will fall in if I ever come to church!"

• "Blankets will be provided for all those who say, "The church is too cold," and fans for those who say "It’s too hot."

• "We will have hearing aids for all those who say, "The minister speaks too softly," and ear plugs for those who say, "The pianist plays too loudly."

• "Score cards will be available for all those who wish to keep a record of the hypocrites present.

• "There will be TV dinners for all those who find it difficult to attend church and...

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