Introduction
We come to yet another emotional topic – marriage to an unbeliever. Though it should be evident to every Christian that one ought not to enter into such a relationship, nevertheless some do. Some get married believing, or rather making themselves believe, that their loved one is a Christian. Some people become believers after marriage, creating an “unequally yoked” marriage. Whatever the case, such a situation has existed since the beginning of the Christian church. What, then, should a Christian do?
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To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.
Paul, so far, has addressed cases in which both married partners are believers. There are others (“the rest”) who present another scenario – believers married to unbelievers. Should they remain married? Doesn’t it seem logical that believers sanctified in Christ should not be yoked to unholy unbelievers? Paul, remember, addresses them as “saints,” i.e., those who are set apart for Christ. Surely then, to remain connected with spouses who in effect are “unclean” would be to defile themselves. What then does Paul have to say to that?
Stay married. He does, however, recognize the different factors involved and makes some concession. This is why he makes special note to say that he, not Christ, speaks to this matter. Jesus, speaking only to Jews about marriage, did not have occasion to teach about this situation. This is an important note to make. It reminds us that both Jesus and Paul were speaking to specific circumstances. In neither case were they giving instruction intended to apply to all scenarios. That needs to be kept in mind. Certainly there are principles they teach that apply to different circumstances, but we must be careful not to presume that “one size fits all.”
Note the caveat for remaining married. It is if the unbelieving spouse consents to remain married. Paul is addressing only the issue of being unequally yoked. By itself it is not a reason to separate and the same rules that apply to marriage between believers remain. He then gives his reasons which also would address their concerns: 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
What is Paul talking about? How is an unbelieving spouse “made holy,” or “sanctified” as other translations have it? How is the status of the children affected by the believing parent? We can rule out one option – that Paul is speaking of salvation. In verse 16 he specifically states that the unbelieving spouse is unsaved.
To understand what Paul means we have to think like Jews; i.e., we have to think with a covenant mindset. In the Old Testament we learn that God called a people, Israel, to be for him a “holy nation” (Exodus 19:6). By virtue of being descendants of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, every Jew was made part of this nation that was set apart for God from among the nations. Was every Jew saved? No. Many were faithless and turned to idols; many were wicked. All (as are all individuals) were under the wrath of God needing an act of grace to redeem them. Nevertheless, God made a covenant with a people that distinguished them from the other nations and gave them certain benefits. Paul recounts these benefits in Romans 3:1-2 and 9:4-5.
We need to grasp this thinking to understand the mind of Paul and of the early church. We moderns think individualistically. We have trouble making connection how our status is interlinked with the status of others, even within our own families. For ancient cultures such connection was assumed. Recall the story of Achan in Joshua 7. Israel loses a battle against Ai. The Lord tells Joshua the reason: Israel has sinned; they have transgressed my covenant that I commanded them; they have taken some of the devoted things; they have stolen and lied and put them among their own belongings. Actually, only one man – Achan – had done this, but God speaks of the nation Israel doing it. Note further what happens. Achan is revealed as the culprit. But when it comes time for punishment by death, his whole family is included with him. You and I immediately think that such a thing is not fair. Achan is the sinner; he alone should pay for his crime. The Jews may have mourned for the family, but it would not have occurred to them that such a punishment was unfair. The family makes up a whole unit, not a collection of individual units. Indeed, when they confront Achan, they complain that he brought trouble on them from the Lord. They don’t think to complain to God for unfairly punishing them for Achan’s sin. They think corporately, not individualistically. They see themselves as part of a whole.
Indeed, that is their hope. Consider the following scriptures:
And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob (Exodus 2:24).
[Moses said to God] Remember Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, your servants, to whom you swore by your own self, and said to them, ‘I will multiply your offspring as the stars of heaven, and all this land that I have promised I will give to your offspring, and they shall inherit it forever.’ ” And the LORD relented from the disaster that he had spoken of bringing on his people (Exodus 32:13-14).
The word of the LORD came to Jeremiah: “Have you not observed that these people are saying, ‘The LORD has rejected the two clans that he chose’? Thus they have despised my people so that they are no longer a nation in their sight. Thus says the LORD: If I have not established my covenant with day and night and the fixed order of heaven and earth, then I will reject the offspring of Jacob and David my servant and will not choose one of his offspring to rule over the offspring of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. For I will restore their fortunes and will have mercy on them” (Jeremiah 33:23-26).
You will show faithfulness to Jacob
and steadfast love to Abraham,
as you have sworn to our fathers
from the days of old (Micah 7:20).
They can hope that God will show mercy to them because they belong to the covenant of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Individuals within the covenant may be faithless, but the blessing given to the patriarchs extends to their descendants nonetheless. Think in terms of corporate blessings.
We need to understand also the Jewish concept of consecration. There is an interchange between Jesus and Jewish leaders that gives us insight into the Jewish mind about this. (Remember, Jesus was a Jew!)
“Woe to you, blind guides, who say, ‘If anyone swears by the temple, it is nothing, but if anyone swears by the gold of the temple, he is bound by his oath.’ You blind fools! For which is greater, the gold or the temple that has made the gold sacred? And you say, ‘If anyone swears by the altar, it is nothing, but if anyone swears by the gift that is on the altar, he is bound by his oath.’ You blind men! For which is greater, the gift or the altar that makes the gift sacred? (Matthew 23:16-19)
Though Jesus is rebuking the leaders for placing value on the wrong objects, still, he is able to use a common reference point to make his argument. The gold itself has no intrinsic sacredness. By virtue of being used for the temple building, it is made sacred. Likewise, the animal-gift is not given because the animal itself is sacred; it becomes sacred by virtue of being offered on the altar. The connection with what is holy consecrates the gold and the gift. Though of themselves they are not holy, they are regarded as so when they are “set apart” for holy use.
Sacred connection, corporate blessing – these are the categories Paul has in mind when he speaks of the spouse and children being holy because of the holiness of the believer. By holiness is not meant the manner in which the believer lives his life, but his or her consecration by the Holy Spirit through the blood of Christ. He, or she, has been set apart for Christ. As such the rest of the family shares in some of the blessings of God’s covenant people.
Having said all this – that the marriage should be maintained because of covenant blessings – Paul, nonetheless allows for separation to occur: 15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 Wife, how do you know whether you will save your husband? Husband, how do you know whether you will save your wife?
The condition is that the unbelieving spouse must take the initiative. He or she must do the separating. The believer is not bound to contest the divorce, at least with the motivation that the spouse’s salvation is at stake. The thought may go this way: If my spouse’s status with God is dependent on his relationship with me, then his salvation will slip away if he leaves. I keep him safe until the time he makes his own profession of faith.
That’s not the way it works. Being under a covenant status does not guarantee salvation. Certainly it helps, and it gives greater cause for hope, but no guarantee is made, especially when this status occurs in adulthood when the individual enters into the status against his will.
God has called the believer to peace. She should be at peace that her spouse’s salvation does not rest on her. She should not be disturbed nor creating disturbance within the marriage over this issue. Finally, should the separation occur, she may be at peace about her circumstance of being “unbound” and not live as though she must still fulfill her marital obligations as much as possible.
Lessons
Before we address our subject of marriage and divorce, we cannot pass by verse 14 without considering its light on baptism. The critics of infant baptism argue that as the sign of the new covenant, baptism can only be administered to believers. It should not be applied to infants of believers since they cannot profess faith and thus should be regarded as unbelievers until they make their own profession. It doesn’t make sense to give them a status of belonging to the covenant when they have yet to be saved. The logic is clear. But explain this verse. It clearly teaches that unbelievers, by virtue of being connected to a believing spouse and parent, are given special status. They are called “holy.” What could Paul be speaking of other than a covenant relationship? Did he discard his Jewish mindset, not to mention the very clear teaching of the Old Testament about covenant theology? I understand the Baptist logic, but it is not Presbyterian logic that must be addressed; it is the Scripture’s presentation of covenant corporate relationships that must be answered. One must show in the New Testament where the Jewish authors and teachers cut ties with the Old Testament on this issue of covenant standing, and yet, still present a verse like this one that only makes sense in the Old Testament covenant perspective.
Back to our subject. To any who may be in what is referred to as an “unequally yoked” marriage, the counsel is to remain married. I cannot help but think such a comment and these verses must be galling to the unbelieving spouse. Surely, they must seem the height of arrogance: It’s okay to stay married? Thanks a lot. It’s nice to know I am not defiling my holy spouse. Oh, and thanks for the holy influence that’s passed on to me!
The issue, of course, is not about who does a better job of being a good person, even of being a religious person. Your unbelieving spouse may be nicer than you. It’s not about being better at anything. It is about Christ’s claim on you, which is revealed by your faith in him. That is the distinction between the believer and the unbeliever. It includes behavior because what you believe will affect your behavior. But faith, not degree of good behavior, is the distinguishing mark.
Letting an unbelieving spouse leave a marriage presents a principle that Christians would do well to grasp. NonChristians are not expected to adhere to Christian principles. And nonChristians would like for us to learn that lesson! They are tired of hearing us insist on them living up to our moral standards. They are weary of being told what they should be doing or not doing. Of course we should proclaim God’s standards, but we must be careful not to impart a false gospel, which is that if nonChristians would shape up then they will win favor with God. We are not saved because we do a pretty good job of following God’s commandments. We are saved because of our faith only in the work of Christ done for us. A proper understanding of the gospel should keep us from spiritual arrogance which rankles many unbelievers.
Are their conditions that permit divorce and remarriage? Even within our own Presbyterian, conservative, Reformed tradition there is debate over this. Some believe that there is no biblical warrant for divorce for any reason. Others believe that adultery is the only warrant. Still others teach that desertion is a sufficient cause. The Westminster Confession, Chapter XXIV, paragraph 6 permits divorce for “adultery, or such willful desertion as can no way be remedied by the Church, or civil magistrate.” It is the phrase about desertion that stirs up most of the debate. For a proof text, the Confession lists verse 15 of our chapter.
Some believe the Confession to be too permissive. It should not apply a verse about mixed marriages to one of Christian marriages. Others focus on how one should interpret “desertion.” Must the offending party physically leave the marriage, or can one “desert” the marriage by abuse? Here is a paragraph from a study commissioned by the General Assembly:
What is more, a husband’s violence, particularly to the degree that it endangers his wife’s safety, if unremedied, seems to us, by any application of biblical norms, to be as much a ruination of the marriage in fact as adultery or actual departure. This is so precisely because his violence separates them, either by her forced withdrawal from the home or by the profound cleavage between them which the violence produces, as surely as would his own departure, and is thus an expression of his unwillingness “to consent” to live with her in marriage (1 Corinthians 7:12-13; Ephesians 5:28-29). (See website www.pcanet.org/history/pac/index.html for the full paper entitled “Divorce and Remarriage.”)
The paper makes clear that the church, through its elders, ought to be involved, first of all in trying to preserve a marriage. But it is also the responsibility of the Session to determine the biblical warrant for divorce. Furthermore, it has the authority to judge the Christian faith of the abuser, which would be based not only on profession of faith, but repentance of behavior.
In light of the scripture and our discussion, let me leave you with the following exhortations.
One, work on your marriage. Obviously marriage is sacred to God and worthy of your greatest effort. Don’t take your marriage and your spouse for granted. You are sinful and live in a sinful world; therefore, you must continually be attentive to making your marriage healthy.
Two, by all means get help as needed. Seek counsel, whether it be a professional counselor or your pastor or elder or wise friend; even better, a wise parent. Men, suck up your pride and talk to someone. Whether you need help to change your ways or to change your wives’ ways, your initiative will have the greatest impact on your marriage.
Three, certainly do not pursue divorce without the involvement of the elders. That may seem intimidating, and quite frankly it can be frustrating, but divorce is no light matter in the eyes of God. You need the counsel and perhaps the intercession of your elders in such a serious matter.
Four, examine your heart. As the psalmist prayed: Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me… (Psalm 139:23-24). It is easy in times of trial to look only at others and the circumstances. The gospel requires that each person look at his own heart.
Five, look to the grace of God. I can never tell you this enough. When I say look to God’s grace, I don’t mean regard him as a nice enough God to overlook your faults and help you anyway. What I mean is to appeal to the cross of Jesus Christ where atonement was made for your sins. Look to Jesus who has gone before you to heaven to represent you before God. As Hebrews 4:14-16 says,
Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
