Preaching Articles

Guys, can I be honest with you? Marriage can be hard.

Did you know that already?

Sometimes you do the wrong thing before you even knew you did the wrong thing. You try to figure out the one you love the most, but the more you try, the more confused you get. I get it. I understand.

Men and women are different. (You can tweet that.)

We don’t always think and respond to life the same way.

And, likely there are some things about your wife you just didn’t know.

Over the years, through counseling training and actual counseling—and learning from my wife—I’ve observed some things. And I’ve realized some men simply don’t know them—or don’t realize how important they are to their wives.

Here are 7 things you may not know (but you need to know) about your wife:

You step on her feelings more than you know.

You just do. And you don’t even mean to—or know that you've done it most of the time. She may think you know, but you don’t. You’re just not as aware of how she’s wired emotionally. And most of the time she overlooks it. She knows it wasn’t intentional. But it hurts. And the more you do it, the more it hurts. So be careful with your words.

This leads to the next one.

Your words are heavier than you think they are.

You need to know that. When she asks you how she looks, for example—yes, it is a quandary on how to respond, and there are plenty of jokes around about that dilemma—your response matters. Probably more than any other response of her day. It’s a small question to you but a big question for her. And you communicate things to her continually through how you say what you say and the body language you combine with your words. And they weigh a ton to her. A ton.

She wants you to take the lead.

At least occasionally. I know all the women’s rights issues cloud this for you. It can be confusing, but there’s likely something in your wife just waiting for you to make a decision. She values your input, and she wants you to lead in the home as well as she sees that you can lead elsewhere. And, speaking on behalf of men, I know you don’t always want to be the leader. She’s better at making many of the decisions than you are. Still, she’s waiting, hoping that you’ll step up when and where you need to lead.

She doesn’t want to be like her mother.

Or to be compared to her mother. And these type jokes aren’t funny. Ever. Trust me. And, in fact, she doesn’t want to be like any other woman either. She wants to be seen for the unique wonder she is—which by the way was God-designed.

She is likely with you even when she’s not.

At least in her mind. Our wives are very relational. So if she asks about your calendar, now you know. She’s not trying to be difficult or suspicious. She’s trying to be with the one she loves.

It’s okay just to hold her hand.

And, also, to occasionally be romantic. You may have established a long time ago that you’re not the romantic type. She may realize she married funny—or serious or dedicated—more than romantic. But every woman needs a little romance occasionally. It makes her feel special, especially when it comes from you.

The way her world looks is often how her heart feels.

All her world. The house, for example. You think it doesn’t matter, but to her it reflects her—not you. She’s also conscious of what others think of her appearance. She carries this burden heavier than she wants to sometimes. Don’t diminish this to her. Understand it.

In a future post, I’ll share the companion post for wives to understand.

Ron Edmondson is a pastor and church leader passionate about planting churches, helping established churches thrive, and assisting pastors and those in ministry think through leadership, strategy and life. Ron has over 20 years of business experience, mostly as a self-employed business owner, and he's been in full-time ministry for over eight years.  

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William Douglas Johnson, Sr

commented on May 4, 2015

Ron, I thank God for the mate He has given me. It means more to me than she will ever realize to know she is on my side. Heaven help me to love her the way Christ loved His Church. Thanks for the reminders, and the insight. Bless you.

Roger Box

commented on May 4, 2015

Yes, thank you for the insights. I am learning after 42 years that my words and how I say things mean much more than I had comprehended. May God continue to teach me how to love this wonderful gift of my wife. Roger Box, Pastor, Medical Center Baptist Church, San Antonio, TX

Dean Johnson

commented on May 4, 2015

Really good stuff. Thanks.

John D. Wild

commented on May 4, 2015

I think it would have been better and more comprehensive if this had been written by a wife. I am reluctant to take this from a husband who tells husbands that they don't know about their wives. I am sure that he doesn't either. What more might a wife have added?

Tom Reakes

commented on May 4, 2015

B But John, I'm going to sit down with my wife (of 41 years) and go throug h these points and see what she has to say. She will probably bring up others. It's a wonderful conversation starter.

Suresh Manoharan

commented on May 4, 2015

God's indescribable genius is expressed in bringing the the right wife into one's life. More than anything, she needs to be looked at as the most valuable treasure the Almighty has trusted us with.

John Grayson

commented on May 5, 2015

There is really an 8th thing you probably don't about your wife but should. That is, she is very likely much smarter than you, so much so that she has to pretend she's not. In addition to being smarter you should know she is also wiser and usually has a wider range of competencies. Recoginizing this enhances and enriches the relationship beyond any thing you could imagine. The "helpmate" connotation does note mean lesser. It speaks to male deficiencies and their need for their mate so they can be competent.


commented on May 5, 2015

she is not your mother. She is her. She does not turn on to sex like a light switch. Hold her hand, she loves it, put your arms around her. She is with you in her mind when you are gone. you should be in yours. Oh and ladies do not ever tell your husband you do not want flowers, or candy. when he is trying to show love. you turn in off like a light switch.

Lafern Cobb

commented on May 7, 2015

Kudos for giving this a shot.....but this is mostly very wrong. First wives aren't an accessory. We are independent. We don't need a husband. We marry because we want to share our lives with another person, not to become whole. I don't want or need anyone between God and me. If my husband takes the lead the view never changes, but if we walk side by side, ah, there is companionship! And by the way, I do want to be like my Mother and my Grandmother. I have a wonderful heritage of strong Godly women and I most certainly want to follow in their footsteps. My Grandmother was a preacher and now I have been a Pastor for 22 years! So yes! Please tell me I am like my ancestors! The happiest marriages are when there are 2 strong people who want to share their lives with each other. I don't want to be smothered or hugged. You see no two women are alike even though we get lumped together. No two men are alike either. I think it is sweet that you tried to put this list together, but it seems from a female viewpoint to be more of a "dig me" for the husband. I don't mean this nasty, but the world doesn't revolve around the husband or the wife. It would be exhausting to try to do everything on this list from either viewpoint. As a Christian, a Pastor, a Woman, a Wife and so many other titles??.I again applaud your efforts. You gave it a good try. But take it from this Pastor/Wife who has been married for 42 years I can?t stress how trivial these 7 seven points seem to me?.notice I said to me. Maybe there are millions of women who would love this list! Women are strong, leaders, have careers. We are CEO?s and Lead Pastors! We don?t need a man to lead us or give us compliments. We love our homes, but they don?t define us any more than a garage defines a man. I am not married because I wouldn?t be ?complete? without a man. I am married because I fell in love with an amazing Christian Pastor who I love with all my heart. We share a beautiful home full of love and a cocker spaniel. We Co-Pastor a Church together because we were both called to Pastor! We have a wonderful Church Family. And our leader is Jesus Christ! Amen! (sorry this is so long, but I felt this all needed to be written)

Lafern Cobb

commented on May 7, 2015

*for some reason Sermon Centrals system entered question marks all through my comment where there should have been apostrophes. Pastor La Fern Cobb

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